~Paradox~

When I think about the way you love me, I am overwhelmed with good feelings. You are the sun in my day!

I smile sitting here reflecting on the countless times you’ve told me how I am wired to fight for your truth! I just laugh at how you made me sometimes… all that I’ve had to go through to come to this point of understanding and acceptance.

You have given me a tiger spirit! Purring ever so graceful like the still waters of night and as loud as an avalanche thundering through to the mountain below. A force some would say, and one I have come to embrace somewhat…

I used to think something was wrong with me as I was a victim of oppression and circumstance.. but no, not at all today. I know that all that I’ve endured was for your purpose. And still I am growing in you… it will be a lifetime until I meet you that I will be learning about myself in you.

You are my creator and I thank you for the joy you have given me to replace all the hate I once clung to. My protective blanket where no one could see me because I was too guarded to share.  The beauty that you have placed words in my heart to write and reach further to people I could have never imagined.

I have been stagnate, accepting status quo knowing that is not what you want of me.

And still I have not come to terms with moving forward in you because I am scared to do the “wrong” thing, criticism or even worse failure. How wise I am… so many people say this to me… and yet I feel like a fraud. I can give the best advice but can’t even take my own. Hypocrite!

I have this passion when I am close to you that ignites me and others around me…but when I allow myself space is where uncertainty creeps back in and I become distracted with time wasters.

Silence is golden. I think this is true because gold is a commodity. Rare, pure and strong and being silent is too these days where the world just keeps running. Busy, busy and busier. The TV stays on, the radio keeps playing, laptops, social media, online gaming, reading on a computer device, smart phones can do everything and anything… the world forgets about silence. We are unfocused, too busy and inundated with information and so am I.

I have become one of the same, in that I waste time. Yes, I do things, fulfill obligations and write but I do waste time. Life is short really.. in terms of how much of me will exist in eternity versus breathing on earth, my time is limited. However, I act like I have all the time in the world to accomplish everything I want to… and yet I am older and my children are older and with each passing month I do not make any movement toward anything more than existing. I could go on and on.. but God!

God shows me where I’ve been and why I must keep moving… not to condemn myself but to live a life that is full of his promises. To keep hope in my heart, I live! To be the best version of myself in the place where he has blessed me. School, church, work or in front of my house with my neighbor!

There is a paradox in my mind and my thoughts… one that I will not and refuse to give into. Simply this, there is truth to distraction and there is truth to God’s calling on my life. I believe the calling more than I believe the distraction. I don’t need to be slapped down with discouragement to realize that change is necessary for betterment. My improvements come from a willingness to continually learn and practice that which is true to me. Love is everything! This is truth to me. Love!

It is not complicated. I love and therefore am loved. I give and in turn it is reciprocated…not always in human form but in the spirit. When I praise, pray and give of myself in Abba I am sanctified in love. What a feeling of being alive and being a part of something so much more greater than myself. Here is where I know that I am all that He has asked that I be. If I want more, I ask and then I will receive. I have asked to be a writer and therefore he has provided me a platform to write. God will always make a way in His time.

I will not be conformed to the world…for I am not of this world. I have been taught this truth. He has plans to prosper me in whatever that means to Him and not the world. I can have all the riches in this world but what good is it if I lose my soul?

My Lord Jesus, reminds me to stay encouraged. Kisses of hopefulness despite the tragedy around me and to stay in peace because He died for me to have it. This is my heart and when anything goes against that…I look to Him for revelation. I have come to know that I am imperfect but with God all things are possible. I rest here and it has taken me quite some time to get here.

I am thankful for His truth and new beginnings! I am going to always be a work in progress and it’s okay. I am not Him. I am not God. He continues to show me how much I need Him and this is why I am blessed.

To Him who is able to do more than all I ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within me to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.