Again

I am in this space again, fighting myself. I’ve not done what I know is right and my heart grows weary. I start to doubt myself. Thoughts of fear, inadequacy, and condemnation are strong. I am struggling with these feelings.

I go to Abba, asking for forgiveness. I pray and continue to serve, yet here I remain. I am reading Samuel, I am reading Galatians, I am reading Romans. I am looking for counsel in scripture which I know is truth. I have this moment, it’s after midnight and I am lying in my bed. I start to sing aloud, “fill me up Lord”, again and again I continue to sing. I move on to “that name Jesus” and my heart begins to feel him again. I cry in repentance of everything I can think of that could keep me from Him. Healing begins inside, I feel Him stirring my spirit. I begin to thank Him over and over again for His goodness and faithfulness. My song and my seranade to Him turns to praise! “Great is your faithfulness to me, I’ll still bless you Lord. In the middle of my trial, in my storm, when I am in the middle of the road and I don’t know which way to go. I’ll still bless you!” No matter if I don’t do the right thing in your eyes, I will still lift my worship to the only one who loves me so deeply and so wonderfully. My Lord Jesus. Great is your faithfulness to me. From the rising sun to the setting sea, I will praise your name.

What was doubt becomes empowerment in Jesus! What was fear of losing Him, becomes the revelation that He never leaves me. He reminds me of how far I have come from where I started. To be strong and of good courage! I may be afraid, I may be discouraged, but I am going to to move forward afraid. He helps me remember who I am, a child of the most High! I may have questions that go unasnwered, but it won’t stop me from believing He has already worked it out for my good. I will still trust you Lord. I may have fears within myself, but I will keep moving toward you. I may doubt my ability but I don’t doubt yours. Alleluia! For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son to pay the price for my sins once and for all. By His stripes I am healed. At that moment, I come to the realization that there is power in praise. Praise opens God’s ears to us, adorns Him, lightens our burden and brings deliverance. WOW! Since that night, God has not ceased to minister to my heart for when I seek Him diligently, that’s what He will do. He will bless your heart, renew your mind, restore your soul! Alleluia! He already told me that I am blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places and that means in Jesus. My Savior sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven and intercedes for me. Sometimes we need to be reminded of who we are in God, El Shaddai. Our Lord God Almighty! If you don’t know who you are in God, I suggest talking to Him so he can help you. He helped me.

I love power words because that is what speaks life to me. God gave me a scripture in 2009, the same year my father passed away. I stood in a church supporting my friend who was studying to be a preacher and here God showed up. The Apostle asked me to come up to the pulpit and he had me lift my hands. He proceeded to place his hands in my hands. While he touched my hands, he started to proclaim the truth in my past, things I had pushed so far down in me that I had forgotten. I was in disbelief. He said to me, “you dodged a bullet, and should be dead, but God”. He declared Isaiah 61 over me and told me that I have healing hands and would be reaching down in dark places to save the long forgotten. In retrospect, I thank God for that gift on my 35th birthday for it held me through the reality of His presence when my dad got sick. But more importantly, He showed me my purpose and destiny in Him. I could go on and on about the countless ways God has used me to teach and minister to the lost for that is the call on my life. No condemnation, no amount of sadness, not even my pride at times will get in the way of the good work God has begun in me.

I thank Him for showing me… even when sometimes I forget.