Realization

Wrestling with my thoughts last night, dang I felt I would not be able to get past it. My mind kept racing to dark places where no good comes. Plotting and planning to be an independent detective. My heart was not right. so my self-talk followed. “I won’t be disrespected. I didn’t sign up for a life filled with uncertainty. I am a queen and deserve only the best”, yeah I know. Not an ounce of humility in that! And as I kept praying to God for help, I could not get free from that mindset.

I decided to read scripture found in John 8:32, the same scripture I had written at the start of my day. The irony was that it was staring me right in my face. After confessing, I kept reading the truth shall make you free and that was my sermon. A reminder that salvation in Christ Jesus is a gift from God. A gift that I did not earn, but could lose if I stop seeking Him diigently. The truth is in Jesus, he is the key that unlocks all doors.

I’ve been remembering where I used to be and who I was before accepting Christ. I don’t want to be her again. The truth has set me free and continues to work it’s way in my heart to make me complete in Him. One step at a time. Change takes time, and it always begins with truth. Truth about myself, the triggers that stop me from experiencing the fullness of joy in my heart. A woman battered and bruised, allowing the physicality of a man to hurt me. Going through very trying times where disrespect and disregard were a primary way of life. I lost myself there for awhile. I don’t think about it, yet recently I’ve been seeing a therapist who questions me on things I have forgotten. Emotions that I have stuffed away to continue walking. I have baggage. Emotional insecurities that influence my thinking, speech, reactions and tolerances. I thank God for answering my prayer and giving me grace to accept the hard things I need to hear about myself. I can be controlling, thinking I can do it best and not hearing what’s really being said. If I’m honest, it hurts but I’m ready for healing.

I often pray that God create a clean heart in me found in the Psalms of David. I think that what’s He’s doing through therapy. While it’s difficult to share what happened to me, what I allowed and why I stayed so long, I’m grateful to God for loving me the way He does, and connecting me to my therapist. I believe that this is a new start to go further in Christ, the gift of ministry and eventually pastoring. I smile as write that, because it was hard for me to admit that God has called me to pastor. I’m sure it’s because I felt unworthy to take that role in someone’s life. But God!