Can you see me?

I see you… why don’t you acknowledge me?

Can you hear me? I speak but you aren’t responding. 

I am loud now, jumping up and down- hello! I am here!

Confused… I don’t get it. Why is this happening?

All this time, I’ve been speaking and thinking that I have your attention, but something isn’t right. A realization dawns on me…suddenly it all makes sense!

How could I be so foolish? Overlooking the obvious. How you simply don’t care about the things that matter to me right now. I have been seeing you one way and it’s not truth. I have been making excuses for you and underplaying myself for you.

I think back on all the head nods you gave me when you were not even present in mind. The countless times bearing my heart to you where your response was lackadaisical. I should have known the night at the restaurant, when I explained in detail the question you posed to me and the very next day you asked me the same question as if we never had the conversation. I was too quick to brush it off to intoxication.

There is a lesson in all things, and this is no different. Today I choose to take off my rose-colored glasses and listen with intent. This thing I have is not leaving & it’s not a phase.

I am changing. This is what is happening… growing, getting better, His strength in me.  

This next chapter is breaking out the mold…cuz you can’t stop a good thing and I’m moving!

 

Time will tell if you choose me. 

It’s been awhile since I’ve written and so much is happening. Life has been like a whirlwind of one thing after another and I am hanging on. It’s intoxicating for me as I see so many moving parts, I am overwhelmed by God.

He is all over my life, plans and actions right now. I feel like he is testing me and as long as I keep passing, he continues to use me. I cannot speculate why. All I can say is I am humbled. “For I know the plans I have for you,” this what He told me. All I can do is what I know, what he has taught me. Pray!

Praying, reading His truth, fasting and obedience. When in doubt I pray, when I fear I pray, when I suffer I pray! I am praying for myself, my family, my job, my church and my life. He keeps reminding me to hang on, don’t give up! Let us not become weary in doing good He tells me… so I don’t and I smile often. As I see my old self leaving each time I realize a change in me, I smile. Despite how I may feel, I am determined to move in His way.

Growing in my trust of Him, through this process, I am listening more, I am receiving more from Him and I am understanding what is undeniably unacceptable to Him. Learning how to wait, how to take my position knowing all that He has blessed me with is all that I need right now.

Oh Lord!!! I thank you. I believe in your power and might.

I believe in your love, faithfulness and hope!

I believe that you cannot be mocked and so I will not be deceived.

Your goodness endures forever!

I have been walking and walking sometimes going away from the very thing I need to draw near to- the hard way, the unpaved way, the dark places where I have to face the dark things that keep me bound, paralyzed and moving opposite of God.

I am getting ready for something so big that it is going to blow my mind!

His vibrancy moves me and today I am grateful for the storms, the cracks, the hills that I must climb.  My spirit is red as I appear blue! I feel passion, for a fire burns in me, while I appear tranquil until I can come out when He says I’m ready.

I wait…

My mind is filled with memories of his love dance. I am once again tasting his skin.  His scent is so vivid that it arouses me. My heart overflows with complete love.

My body is swaying as the music fills the room, this was our song.

Just to hold and kiss him again. Thoughts of his gentle touch, strong body against mine, he was beautiful to me. With his dark skin glistening in the light from the candle burning, I remember that time as if it were happening now and then he is gone.

Love is a gift. 

GOD IS SO GOOD!!

My joy comes from Him!

He is I Am!

Everything that I have been afforded and achieve is because of Him.

He causes me to lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul and leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

He does more than I could ask or imagine, according to His power within me!

I know that in all things God works for my good because I love Him!

Thank you for loving me Lord!

Thank you!!

 

 

Like anything, there is a beginning and an end.

A preacher told me about breaking. The break that needs to occur to help me with this bad thing that I need to get rid of in order to get to the eventual thing that will be good for me. The bad thing is a lie. How I appear to others in my faith walk but am not.

I rely on myself and my own way of doing things, instead of relying on Him while I wait. How many times has He spoken to me about submission…countless. I can’t even count! He has tried to do it gracefully in loving ways but nope… I don’t accept it. Filling my time with “things” for the kingdom which is not what matters in this season. Pressed on all sides to the point that I feel I am losing it. My family suffers and so do I. He will have His way and I know it already, I know it!

This… Is … His… Work… In… Me.

My feelings of inadequacy all over again. My “don’t give a hoot” when I know I do attitude. My “working to appease everyone” when I know I need to spend time with Him but don’t. My “got it all together” advertisement, when I’ve expired.

Obedience, it all boils down to this one thing. AM I or AREN’T I.

God! God! For my good and your glory.

Each and every time you lead me back to the bible. Without fail, all that I seek is within the word of life. Today I stay on the breaking, cuz I know a blessing is on its way. You are allowing everything from family, work, church to be out of control. I am failing cuz you want the lies and the facade to go. It needs to go! This lie needs to go! I need to submit to you. For my home, marriage, children, and ministry. 

My hands will raise the long forgotten, the desperate and destitute this is what you told me. You are breaking me cuz I need to be broken and I praise you, Lord. I praise you!

 

 

Head high, chest out with a smile like the sun.

Her attitude positive,

Her mindset is growth.

She embraces what comes her way.

Her abilities are not above the norm,

She recognizes her value.

Known for her wisdom and understanding,

A woman of the most high.

Her mind focused on kingdom thinking.

Her life is about striving, sharing and loving.

Her is me and I am free!

 

Running, faster and faster I go! I can’t seem to catch my breath cuz I am exasperated from my mind spinning. I am running out of time. Too much, too quick and I cannot get a grip. I press on harder.

The path has been long and at times I grow weary yet I will not stop.

No time…everyday in every way, I will run. Run my race until I finish. There is no time to dwell on why or when or what… I know that in an instant I could get cut. An injury causing me to slow down and yet I will still run.

There is no stopping me! Determined, committed, I move to His grace which favors me. All that I touch turns to gold, all that I say moves people, all that I am is for Him. He created me to run a race that makes maneuvering simple without losing momentum.

 

He chased me down, pursued me with His love. I am his and he is mine. I run and I won’t stop until I finish.

Writing, singing, serving, loving, reading, learning, growing- I RUN!

 

I am always amazed at how I can see things coming into place realizing God is in it. How he maneuvers varying parts. That doesn’t happen for me easily. I am the type that really needs an “in your face” approach. And so it is… today I am smiling at the possibilities that I can only imagine but that He has already planned for me. What a feeling and it will take work!

Tuesday night was group night with my church ladies and we are discussing “Joy.” A lesson shared at the woman’s conference weeks back. However, tonight no one could make it for various reasons except one. She showed up late and like girlfriends, we start conversing about different topics, catching up and minutes turn to hours. We’ve shared the loss of our moms and that season in our lives, stories of our moms and it was beautiful. She is beautiful and I feel blessed by her.

As we move to another room and I share some of my unpublished work with her, she is laughing out loud,  which amuses me. Then she is crying with her hand to her heart.  She tells me how I captivate her with my words. I am humbled and take joy at the same time knowing I have this book in me that I need to continue or begin all over again to write.  After hours of talking and sharing, she makes me promise her to complete my development plan at work. She tells me to write about my life and each season God has brought me through and while that feels uncomfortable to me, there may be truth in her words. We say good-bye in the morning hour which is nothing of what I expected for this night, I am feeling joy. God is so good!

She sends me a link to “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership” by John C. Maxwell and tells me to check it out. When I wake a few hours later, I pray and immediately begin the lesson with my notepad for notes. As I am listening for about 30 minutes, I am realizing how I will be able to use this knowledge right now in various ways. It has been an hour and some minutes when I begin to pray again… 5 down and 16 to go on this lesson but I am good with what I’ve received. As I lay in bed,  I open up my kindle app and begin to read Pastor Gray’s 9th chapter in “I’m an 8” book. Again another realization sets in about my parents and what my father has instilled in me.  I start to praise God when I finish the chapter. And while I praise and am thanking God, I am led back to my Kindle. When I go in I see a book titled “The Maker’s Diet Revolution” by Jordan Rubin. I begin to read the introduction and stop. I have consumed all that I can this morning but I know God is doing something in me, he has prepped me to start my day in the world. 

I have accomplished a lot this morning and walk into a wind storm at work…but it’s all good. This too shall pass and I am fully equipped. After everything is back in order, my mind is everywhere but work. I am thinking of God’s goodness and others who are in need of a kind word, wisdom, and prayer. How God is using and stretching me this season to places I feel I can add value with his truth and honestly it feels good and uncomfortable at the same time. Here we go, Lord!

Last night I am reading Jordan’s book again and get through the introduction and purchased the e-book online. I start to cry reading chapter one, I know this is an answered prayer on fasting. God is so good to me. He knows my heart like no other and he knows that I need help in this area of my life and I’ve asked for it. So he gives me this book that will not only teach me how to be healthy but will help me in ways for the Kingdom, for His glory and to intercede for others in fast- I feel breakthroughs coming. I am crying now as I write this because this is my destiny! Why he created me and I cannot believe I am here. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me here.

I am singing Tasha Cobb-Leonard- “I’m Getting Ready”

Not normal, a little weird, a radical…psst, psst, psst. Opinions, whispers, conversations as they make their jokes and laugh about her.

This gossip pool where everyone judges everyone else and “they” allow only those who entertain their language in.  We are too grown for that! Brings me back to 1980 and I have been there and done that.

I see a shift and the evil one is working. He is such an influencer. Subtle and discreet making insecurity reign so that all that listen will be his puppet. He has created circles that perpetuate lies and the arrogance that fill this place is smothering.

I pray and influence where I can … cuz I know this battle is not my own. I also know that I was placed here for His purpose. My God who reigns. The discomfort I felt immediately when joining this place gave me insight into how He would use me.

And maybe I’ve been too timid. I really need to watch my words. I am not one of them and my responsibility is great here. I cannot minimize what is beyond my comprehension so I need to pay attention. My surroundings, voices around me, and the tone of the culture.

I pray…

Heavenly Father, I ask that you come in this place. In Jesus name, I bless this place with protection against any evil, jealousy, scandal, lies, deceit, and insecurity that can lead to these spirits. In Jesus name, I rid this place of gossip, laziness and arrogance Lord. Holy Spirit, be in this place. Bless those around me, our hearts, minds, families, work, and those things that worry us and confuse our thoughts. Lord Jesus, free us from the pressure of meeting the measures of this world and help us keep our eyes on you, our thoughts on you, our words on you. Lord, whoever does not know you, I pray that when you speak, your disciples listen and move to the will of your call. Give us courage Lord in grace and mercy. Lord, help us love like you. Thank you for answered prayers and your faithfulness. In Jesus glorious name, Amen.

 

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Today the sun rose, set and in between I told my story.

How an innocent little girl was spoiled?

How a middle school girl was misjudged?

How a teenage girl held in a lot of anger?

How a young adult was mistreated?

How as an adult I didn’t care?

Realizing the cycle I kept repeating in relationships is when I stopped trying to deal with the world and started to cope with myself.

The pain, sorrow and sadness that held my heart from love. 

The first step was to forgive him and me.

How could anyone love me if I didn’t love myself?

A journey is in process each time I start to think of my past. The stages I performed on and the people I allowed to surround me. Coupled with the corrupt voices I listened to looking for love. 

The second step was to forgive me and them again.

Finding solace in sharing my heartache, speaking about my hurt to a trusted few. Packing away my acting abilities to face the truth and dig deep within myself to address those long harbored deep emotions. 

Ultimately led to my creator, who embraced me with open arms.

In sharing this day, I received a hug from another with a similar act, who smiled realizing she is not alone.

Today the sun rose, set and now I can love.