Immeasurably More

Love without pretense…

Complete, unapologetic and enthusiastic love! It’s not a feeling, it’s a reality.

The way he looks at me, acts toward me, swoons over me in every breath and in his being. I am engulfed in him. Intoxicated by him. Head over heals in love with him.

He is the whole to my half, red and blue to my purple, the funk to my groove. He is my man.

He speaks and his words dance in my mind. He is chivalrous and puts me first.

Thinking of all the ways that will make me happy, he is my everything.

This freedom and movement that he gives me to be authentically me surpasses anything I can dream of or articulate.

Imagine that… being you completely with someone who adores you. Who sees you as a flower knowing that sun, water and food are required to grow and blossom and wants to be apart of that!

He understands my ways and gels with me.

He loves seeing me smile and is my shoulder when I cry. He is silent and strong. He laughs with me, taps with me and grinds with me.

He will not see me struggle and not struggle with me. And because of all of him I give him all of me. My heart, mind and body to love and be loved.

The truth in every sense… he is my man.

Coming to terms with truth can be very difficult…be it health, relationships or anything else out of our control requires a level of courage. You could live your entire life accepting outcomes that you really don’t like, feel are right or simply have lowered your standard because it’s easier. It’s just easier.

My thoughts stay on this mindset of “it’s easier.” Easier to look the other way, to accept what is wrong, to walk away rather than stay, to stay rather than walk away. Could it be “the easier” is a coping mechanism developed to protect ones heart? Or avoidance of dealing with some underlying influence undiscovered?

This thought has stirred my spirit because it has been easier for me to accept what I typically wouldn’t because keeping peace has become more important. When in fact, the way I am wired is the way I’ve been created. While God is molding me, he still has given me this bold personality and brave spirit to effect and overcome life’s storms. So when? I can have peace walking in the way I’m intended. This is the question that has resurfaced within me time again.

So here I sit this one thing that needs to change in my life but I haven’t done anything to make the change happen. Knowing 10 years ago that I should have spoke up.. it’s nothing new. It’s old quite frankly which entertains other thoughts that are not good for me but can subliminally effect how I deal with matters, my thought process toward decision making and ultimately the way I live my life. I am tired of this thinking. For me it is not easier… it’s procrastination.

No one, not anything can deter her from her mission.

Her history is her experience and has qualified her for the fight.

She has been cast down but not defeated, ridiculed but overcame, lied on yet not compromised, she trusts in good things to come.

She is a warrior, ready for battle.

Her strength misunderstood, still sought for her wisdom.

No weapon that is formed against her will prosper for she knows undoubtedly who she serves and His promise to her.

Pressed on every side, her conviction keeps the course.

The battle is not her own, she understands her place.

She is loved, therefore she loves. She is courageous, therefore He continues to flow through her.

She encourages with peace, motivates with fortitude.

He has placed in her a heart for the lost.

Her mission quite simply is to embrace the many of which He has called her.

She wears her armor, relying on her helmet, breastplate, belt, sandals, sword and shield to do battle.

She is not alone,

For it has become her responsibility to spread her knowledge to those who have none.

The brethren of believers is under attack!

Her prayers strategic, bearing arms in the Spirit.

Following the rules of engagement,

This is spiritual warfare.

Her plans allow for His will to direct her path,

For she is blessed with every spiritual blessing in the Heavenly realms.

Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord,

For He has taught her to take heart, He has already conquered the world!

Her heart of obedience is what He seeks,

He is Sovereign, ruler of all!

 

Have you ever been that person who does something that is petty, makes no sense and impacts another in a negative way? Well, that was me last week when a person from my job asked if this other employee could use a conference room for an hour on a certain day. My reaction was unwarranted and when the person who asked for the room overheard me, they responded that they would locate another room and it made me question myself in why I said what I said.

A brief talk with God on the elevator ride up to a meeting, made me think of how this person manipulates their boss to get what they want and how I dislike irresponsible leadership. But then over the weekend, I had to think again… and the body of Christ came to mind. This other person is a believer and how that appears to a non-believer? Needless to say, I apologized for my ridiculous response and asked for forgiveness in which I was given.

Realization is growth when you seek God. I think my pride would have left me where I was last week, feeling justified…but God won’t leave me there. He knows more than I will ever know and he is a healer. The potter, who is molding me. Truthfully, I am not sure if I would have been able to give of my heart this weekend to those who needed Him through me with their unexpected circumstances.

My family is really going through it but God is faithful and he is good. I was able to encourage, pray, even share God’s promises with those in a fearful time and others who feel like their going crazy because so much is happening at one time. Finally to another who is beginning a new path for God. This weekend’s message at church was “encouragement” and how apropos that he would prepare me for such a time as this. But that is God, the author and the finisher of faith. He orchestrates the master plan.

Glad that I am winning!

I recently purchased a CD collection called Esther. Since it arrived in the mail, I’ve been listening to and from my ride to work which takes an hour. I am wowed by this preacher’s way of story telling and I am feeling this message. Last night on my ride home, I heard God in my heart and this overwhelmingly sense of love filled me, I just cried while praising Him. Tears of joy as the Spirit had me remember the dedication of my son 14 years ago. In the hospital room, my son laid on my chest and I told God that my son was His.

Pastor Evans spoke of our Sovereign God being provincial in how He sets “things” up for His master plan. Mordecai, a Jew, his cousin Esther married the King of Persia who knew nothing of her origin but was captivated by her beauty. How the king’s right hand man, Haman loathed Mordecai and planned his death convincing the King to sign a decree to kill all the Jews in the kingdom. But God…he makes all things work together for our good! His plan will come to pass regardless of the players. So “that night” the night Esther was going to share who she really was with her husband, the king. That night Haman had plotted to kill Mordecai the following day. That night when the King could not sleep and asked his servant to read him the “boring” book of Chronicles. That night when the king remembered a Jew named Mordecai saving his life. That night that came to pass and the next morning where everything had changed.

God will make the worse of situations seem hopeless until we take a step of faith, trusting in Him and his promise. And boy can God show off!! If you don’t know him, you could miss it or mistake it for coincidence, luck or serendipity.. but me, I know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. I am my best when my eyes are set on Him, who gave me life. I can hear Him more clearly and oh how He ignites me!

 

My arms float in the air as I dance fully extended…the contralto, sultry Nina Simone.

Rhythm in harmony with every movement,

Side to side in a flowing motion,

Eyes closed, the depth of vibration with bass, enveloped in the sound of the blues.

My body feeling her voice…we are one.

I am in this moment..in my head, my heart, in this moment…

The melody got a spell on me…these blues got me in a mood.

Touches of sweat fall from my brow

I reach high,

Higher than I can go, yes…I want to soar!

A bird in the sky I am free… in this room, free to be me.

Flying to forget the pain… I can see the horizon, wind stroking me as I gain speed. Beautiful and not so far away,

Whirling, swirling round and round, I am breathless. Heart thumping, the sounds go on and my thoughts linger… we will never be.

… the beauty fades quickly.

I taste my tears, while thoughts of you settle, my heart aches.

The memory of your smile once warmed me and now you are gone.

In me a desire for more, knowing my love can’t hold you.

Alone with images of sadness, a love no more, I dance… until fatigue,  I dance.

 

 

 

 

When I think about the way you love me, I am overwhelmed with good feelings. You are the sun in my day!

I smile sitting here reflecting on the countless times you’ve told me how I am wired to fight for your truth! I just laugh at how you made me sometimes… all that I’ve had to go through to come to this point of understanding and acceptance.

You have given me a tiger spirit! Purring ever so graceful like the still waters of night and as loud as an avalanche thundering through to the mountain below. A force some would say, and one I have come to embrace somewhat…

I used to think something was wrong with me as I was a victim of oppression and circumstance.. but no, not at all today. I know that all that I’ve endured was for your purpose. And still I am growing in you… it will be a lifetime until I meet you that I will be learning about myself in you.

You are my creator and I thank you for the joy you have given me to replace all the hate I once clung to. My protective blanket where no one could see me because I was too guarded to share.  The beauty that you have placed words in my heart to write and reach further to people I could have never imagined.

I have been stagnate, accepting status quo knowing that is not what you want of me.

And still I have not come to terms with moving forward in you because I am scared to do the “wrong” thing, criticism or even worse failure. How wise I am… so many people say this to me… and yet I feel like a fraud. I can give the best advice but can’t even take my own. Hypocrite!

I have this passion when I am close to you that ignites me and others around me…but when I allow myself space is where uncertainty creeps back in and I become distracted with time wasters.

Silence is golden. I think this is true because gold is a commodity. Rare, pure and strong and being silent is too these days where the world just keeps running. Busy, busy and busier. The TV stays on, the radio keeps playing, laptops, social media, online gaming, reading on a computer device, smart phones can do everything and anything… the world forgets about silence. We are unfocused, too busy and inundated with information and so am I.

I have become one of the same, in that I waste time. Yes, I do things, fulfill obligations and write but I do waste time. Life is short really.. in terms of how much of me will exist in eternity versus breathing on earth, my time is limited. However, I act like I have all the time in the world to accomplish everything I want to… and yet I am older and my children are older and with each passing month I do not make any movement toward anything more than existing. I could go on and on.. but God!

God shows me where I’ve been and why I must keep moving… not to condemn myself but to live a life that is full of his promises. To keep hope in my heart, I live! To be the best version of myself in the place where he has blessed me. School, church, work or in front of my house with my neighbor!

There is a paradox in my mind and my thoughts… one that I will not and refuse to give into. Simply this, there is truth to distraction and there is truth to God’s calling on my life. I believe the calling more than I believe the distraction. I don’t need to be slapped down with discouragement to realize that change is necessary for betterment. My improvements come from a willingness to continually learn and practice that which is true to me. Love is everything! This is truth to me. Love!

It is not complicated. I love and therefore am loved. I give and in turn it is reciprocated…not always in human form but in the spirit. When I praise, pray and give of myself in Abba I am sanctified in love. What a feeling of being alive and being a part of something so much more greater than myself. Here is where I know that I am all that He has asked that I be. If I want more, I ask and then I will receive. I have asked to be a writer and therefore he has provided me a platform to write. God will always make a way in His time.

I will not be conformed to the world…for I am not of this world. I have been taught this truth. He has plans to prosper me in whatever that means to Him and not the world. I can have all the riches in this world but what good is it if I lose my soul?

My Lord Jesus, reminds me to stay encouraged. Kisses of hopefulness despite the tragedy around me and to stay in peace because He died for me to have it. This is my heart and when anything goes against that…I look to Him for revelation. I have come to know that I am imperfect but with God all things are possible. I rest here and it has taken me quite some time to get here.

I am thankful for His truth and new beginnings! I am going to always be a work in progress and it’s okay. I am not Him. I am not God. He continues to show me how much I need Him and this is why I am blessed.

To Him who is able to do more than all I ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within me to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

 

Sweet India,

Your warm embrace and smile captivate me. With amorous bold beauty I was smitten by you the moment I arrived.

Your body, exotic in form and expressive with the taste of masala, chile and cinnamon. You exude confidence. An explosion of flavor dazzled and mesmorized me. Your aroma intoxicating of lotus, hibiscus and marigolds. The essence of you all around me. From the congested streets in Delhi to the swanky nightlife at the Khan market. You are candid in appearance.

I feel your strength and see grit in the people. Laboring day and night with pleasantry and poise. On hand and knee taking pride at every turn, I am humbled by you. And as much as you are strong, there is a vulnerable side that appeals to me. Women demure in their traditional sari and choli and the men finely dressed in their achkan at a Rajasthan wedding. I am immersed in your being that dates back thousands of years. This lavish culture of wishes and astronomy in the way the stars align.

The deities, you are Brahma, lord of the cosmos and creation. Vishnu the preserver of life. Ganesha bestowing wisdom and good fortune.  Krishna the embodiment of love and divine joy and destroyer of all pain, among all the other deities in Hinduism.

Wealthy in culture, displayed with gestures of subtlety and respect, I admire you. Your journey past and present teaching, learning and understanding enlightenment have molded you. Your people accept me with generosity and overwhelming kindness that make me feel majestic. Surrounded with colors of gold, red, orange and yellow,  possessing an  eloquence and richness that distinguish you.

I am enthralled walking the Uttar streets to see the wonder of the Taj Mahal. Visiting the Agra fort where Mughal ruled and resided, to traveling to Jaipur, the Pink city, where the Jantar Mantar appears with sophistication the instruments of astronomy and time. Oh, India…how thoughtful and accommodating you have been to me.

I am blessed by you. Having been able to see your site, submerge in your world and take a part of you back with me to western civilization. Dhanyavaad India for my “once in a lifetime” experience.

You will forever be in my heart.

 

 

Falling…I hear tap, tap, tap.

My mind envisions you washing, the dirt, soil, and all that doesn’t allow for the newness from you.

Changed paces… you passionately dance with the wind,the next, your tone is undetectable. I find peace in you. You are beautiful, making all things glimmer, the scent of you pure and I want you here forever.

Even when your time has ended.

Some do not want you from the start, for your sibling brings light,

  but you come, nonetheless, to show your fervor and might.

Even as a whisper, the softness of you soothes me,

sitting near my bedside window, I watch fascinated,

all that you touch seems new.

When you pass, your trail presents itself all around,

And when you don’t come at all, I feel a longing,

because everything yearns for you.

A force that can come quickly or remain either way,

I have come to respect you all the same.

You move gracefully,

sometimes accompanied with thunderous ovation,

other times shouting at the world’s creation. 

Thank you for your presence,

You are essential to life.

For just as the moon, stars and sun exist,

  rain from clouds replenish with mist.

Shower me!

It dawned on me today after listening to my counterparts speak “it has to make sense.”

Thoughts of when I once managed a team in a contact center and my staff probably said the same about me. It has to make sense…

People, opinions, jobs, money, problems, circumstances…does it make sense? A lot of the time we don’t understand why things happen and even if we think we know where does that lead. Common sense, logic and emotional intelligence.

As a believer, I have learned that whatever comes my way I know where my help comes from and he is my peace and comfort. My cornerstone and refuge. Whatever it is… I just need to have faith!  This is so deep in me that I don’t fret. Problems will come but I know that He has already overcome the world. Believing in this way has brought me through valleys where I may have gone mad.

So many times I want to feel sorry for myself, crawl in a hole and cry. I want to give up. Yet that still small voice tells me to get back up again and try. Get back up again and laugh, get back up again and fight. These have been my lessons and the reason why he has taught me patience, discipline and self control. Knowing I am really going to need to practice them when I am in a storm. He prepares us gracefully.

I’ve been around various walks of life with different opinions, strong views and sometimes jagged perceptions who make me question when. When did you allow someone else power over your heart that you hate so deeply and feel justified in it. Who was the person who shattered your dreams and made you stop in time? I can speak to this because I was this… jaded, abrupt, often a very angry person who like bug repellent kept people away. Jesus is a healer! Amen!

Today I praise and worship God for bringing me out of myself. There is still healing happening but I am not that hurting person any more. Today I stop and ask, what would you have me do Lord. In this circumstance that seems so bad and more than I think I can handle. How would you have me proceed?

And the more I reflect on Jesus’ life, did it make sense when it was prophesied a king would come to save the world that ended with beating, suffering and crucifixion. How he saved us by shedding his blood on a cross to show us that we would endure suffering too? How the Messiah was buried and rose again to sit on a heavenly throne? Did any of it make sense to a people who witnessed his miracles but thought he was a fraud anyway and discounted his teaching?

He died so I could live in freedom from the darkness of the world. While I am in this world I am not of this world. Joy in knowing the truth is freedom! I am thankful for this wisdom… and while I don’t have all the answers to his mystery, I walk confidently knowing where he has brought me from. I’ve lived in the prison of my mind and today I am free. Praise Abba, praise Jehovah, praise ruach hakodesh!